I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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