He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
