Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
