he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
