True but thats because hes a fetus.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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