So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
