She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
