i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
