you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
