cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
