I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
