I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
