He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
