Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
