so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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