There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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