Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
