someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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