Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
