I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
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