Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
