What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
