I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
