I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
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I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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