My sheets look like a crime scene.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
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He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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