had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
