There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
