Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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