I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
