Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
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