Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
