a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
