Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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