I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
