New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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