I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
