you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
