"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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