FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
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Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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