when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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