I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You can't motorboat a personality
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
