happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
