i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
