then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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