I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
