when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
