don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
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