The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
