Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize