remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
im on a boat
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