how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
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if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
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Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list