i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
