I met the friendliest cop last night
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
