Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
