I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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