Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
