i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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