Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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