I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
