booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
