I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
