If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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