im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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