recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
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Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
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Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left