Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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