I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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