You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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